Mad Max: Fury Road is a great movie that never gets fairly endorsed, wither it's Feminists claiming it's about fighting patriarchy or Joe Shmo talking about the guitar guy it's not gonna prepare you for what's in store.
Something no one can take away from Fury Road is it is a all caps ACTION movie. It's pretty much 80 minutes of the climax from Road Warrior but replacing the kid with a chick as good at Max at putting fools in the ground. Joe Shmo makes you think it'll be an insane over-the-top wasteland highway shoot 'em up, but it doesn't get crazier than the flamethrower guitar. And even with guitar man, he doesn't kill anyone with the flames, or blow up a car, he's just rockin out everytime we see him. While Fury Road doesn't adopt the high octane ridiculousness of 80's action flicks, it doesn't shackle itself with total realism. Like the other films the stunts are feasibly possible, but extremely unlikely, and very enjoyable. If you want a movie that jumps to the good stuff and doesn't overstay any welcomes, this is one of the best in the 2010s.
But if the only misleading press was dressing up 70's implausible action as 80's impossible action I wouldn't be writing a review on Christmas. No, time for the elephant in the room: Feminism. This flick ain't feminist. The only way to win a debate is to meet the opposition on their terms, not yours, so I will very carefully explain why Immortan Joe's kingdom ain't a patriarchy.
First and most migraine inducing: Patriarchy. Patriarchy is family/government/clan structure where the eldest male makes all decisions and women are judged solely on their utility at best and chattel at worst. Feminists use the sex slaves, war boys, and Immortan Joe's total power as evidence that Joe's raiders are a patriarchal power structure that needs a smashing. But is it? Is Immortan Joe in charge because he's the oldest cock for miles? No. No he's not. He's big boss cause he's got water. People flock there to get H2O. Then Joe takes their sons to become his army. He also takes sex slaves so he can have children to become generals of his brainwashed slave army. It's not patriarchy, it's a primitive form of Machiavellian Feudalism. He's loved for his water, feared for his army, and noble blood is required for officer status, and subjects owe tribute. So if you were to look at the symbolic struggle between cruel pyschos and noble maniacs there's more links to a struggle peaceful anarchy vs violent monarchy than feminism vs patriarchy.
Overall a great movie that should adorn the DVD collection of any fan of action or dystopia. Not as insane as it's made out to be but a nice throwback to 1970's bone breaking action. Any character could be gender bent and the plot wouldn't suffer.
Great and imaginative Action
Surprisingly deep characters
Ok, just for three characters, but none are weak
Best written Max
Good throwbacks, doesn't take you out of it
Not enough focus on Max
No sawn off shotgun kills!
9/10 Best reboot I've seen, who knows, maybe the sequel will be transcendent like Road Warrior was in the original trilogy.
Friday, December 25, 2015
Monday, December 21, 2015
Coming back in your face!
Sorry for the hiatus, this week I'll make it up to you by breaking down precisely why Mad Max Fury Road is not a feminist movie. See you there
Friday, October 2, 2015
Wyrmwood: Road of the Dead. Mad Max with Zombies
This is the best independent film I have ever seen. While most indie films go for drama or horror, the cheap films to make, Wyrmwood goes full on action! The beauty of this film is revealed in the first five minutes with a flash forward scene. The scene isn't the end of the movie, but rather the beginning of act 2. This shows our heroes dawned in their patchwork wasteland armor of leather, pads, and hockey masks as they blast zombies on their way to grab a truck. They have a simple mission: One guy's sister asked for help after her friends turned into zombies, so they gotta save her. Their method is to soup up a truck plow through the undead. While story does bring up new ideas to the zombie action genre, like concepts involving fuel and the sister having a power, it is a bit formulaic with evil government dudes doing evil experiments for... reasons becoming the baddies at the end. Even so those unique spins enthralling action and apocalypse armor is enough for me.
Excellent action
Par characters
Average story
Great ragtag armor
7/10 Fun
It's just a really fun movie you should absolutely watch.
Excellent action
Par characters
Average story
Great ragtag armor
7/10 Fun
It's just a really fun movie you should absolutely watch.
Friday, September 25, 2015
Get the Gringo: Mel Gibson in Mexican Arkham City
This was a pretty unique movie. Lots of great ideas used really well. It definitely opens lots of possibilities and they play around with a lot of them.
Our adventure begins with Mel Gibson fleeing the cops with millions of dollars. He manages to get across the border, but some dirty Mexican cops arrest him when they see the cash. He gets thrown into one of the best settings ever after that. A prison that is pretty much just a walled city run by a ganglord.
Gibson befriends a kid that the ganglord protects and his mom. It turns out that the kid is protected because he's the only one with blood type as the ganglord, and the ganglord needs a liver. Before he can help them there is a shootout between the ganglord's thugs and some goons hired by the guy Gibson robbed.
This escapade causes the prison to get shut down. Meaning the ganglird is gonna collect the kid's liver. Mel gets to them during the raid and gets the money in addition to saving the family. He then retires on the beach with them.
Credits.
A very Hollywood ending, but man was this a ride. There is always something happening, but it never gets confusing! There's so much I didn't even write it all!
Great child character, the are decent but cliché
Awesome plot
Terrific ideas
8/10
This is a slice of movie that's very much it's own thing. A gripping unique movie with some great settings and environments that is a fun watch I highly recommend!
Our adventure begins with Mel Gibson fleeing the cops with millions of dollars. He manages to get across the border, but some dirty Mexican cops arrest him when they see the cash. He gets thrown into one of the best settings ever after that. A prison that is pretty much just a walled city run by a ganglord.
Gibson befriends a kid that the ganglord protects and his mom. It turns out that the kid is protected because he's the only one with blood type as the ganglord, and the ganglord needs a liver. Before he can help them there is a shootout between the ganglord's thugs and some goons hired by the guy Gibson robbed.
This escapade causes the prison to get shut down. Meaning the ganglird is gonna collect the kid's liver. Mel gets to them during the raid and gets the money in addition to saving the family. He then retires on the beach with them.
Credits.
A very Hollywood ending, but man was this a ride. There is always something happening, but it never gets confusing! There's so much I didn't even write it all!
Great child character, the are decent but cliché
Awesome plot
Terrific ideas
8/10
This is a slice of movie that's very much it's own thing. A gripping unique movie with some great settings and environments that is a fun watch I highly recommend!
Friday, September 18, 2015
Signs: Fight Thinking with Overthinking
Screw gimmicks, I'll just use a format the suits what I find most compelling.
Signs. Critics and many others call it stupid because they can spot "plot holes." However when you dig deeper those complaints are easily shot down. So let's shoot down nitpicks and wrap up with some pretentiousness.
Why would they go to a planet of mostly water if they're allergic? Desperation can make you do anything. But a better argument comes from humanity. We're trying to colonize Mars. It has no oxygen or life, the water is all frozen, and the atmosphere literally boils our blood. If these aliens are stupid then so is NASA.
Wouldn't water in the air effect them?
This is pretty legitimate. It might be that it's only liquid water that hurts them. Maybe the water isn't what hurts them but something in it. The towns water might be contaminated with something that doesn't hurt Earth creatures. But I can understand this gripe.
Doors stop them? More developed civilizations have physically weaker citizens. A caveman could take ten guys from today. Additional, the people we send to space are scientists, not SWAT teams, they're not trained to kick down doors. Aside from that the alien just looks scrawny. He got his fingers cut off last time he was behind a door. But let's say he is fit. If he broke down the barricade his shoulder would be bruised and broken. We never see him with a battering ram. Why destroy your other shoulder if you could wait them out.
Where's their technology? It might be that they don't find weapons necessary if they have poisonous fingers.
People are nonchalant about aliens. Shyamalan is probably shell-shocked from seeing the thing in his house, and he is guilt ridden from smoking Gibson's wife. And Gibson hates the world, so it's understandable that he wouldn't care if it's invaded. Everyone else is paranoid and afraid.
In terms of pacing and style that's all subjective. If you don't like it you don't like it, and that's alright if you hate it for that. But it's not useless garbage. Tone shifts dramatically at the end, making it clear that the movie reflects Mel's attitude. Characters might have actually acted differently, but the movie is from Mel's point of view, so it's his perception we see.
Good build-up
Flawed and quirky characters
Original take on alien invasion
Heavily stylized
9/10 I'm in the "love it" crowd
Ultimately this movie is a very love it or hate it flick. I love it and if you don't that's cool. But don't act like it's stupid, because it is pretty smart if you think about it.
Signs. Critics and many others call it stupid because they can spot "plot holes." However when you dig deeper those complaints are easily shot down. So let's shoot down nitpicks and wrap up with some pretentiousness.
Why would they go to a planet of mostly water if they're allergic? Desperation can make you do anything. But a better argument comes from humanity. We're trying to colonize Mars. It has no oxygen or life, the water is all frozen, and the atmosphere literally boils our blood. If these aliens are stupid then so is NASA.
Wouldn't water in the air effect them?
This is pretty legitimate. It might be that it's only liquid water that hurts them. Maybe the water isn't what hurts them but something in it. The towns water might be contaminated with something that doesn't hurt Earth creatures. But I can understand this gripe.
Doors stop them? More developed civilizations have physically weaker citizens. A caveman could take ten guys from today. Additional, the people we send to space are scientists, not SWAT teams, they're not trained to kick down doors. Aside from that the alien just looks scrawny. He got his fingers cut off last time he was behind a door. But let's say he is fit. If he broke down the barricade his shoulder would be bruised and broken. We never see him with a battering ram. Why destroy your other shoulder if you could wait them out.
Where's their technology? It might be that they don't find weapons necessary if they have poisonous fingers.
People are nonchalant about aliens. Shyamalan is probably shell-shocked from seeing the thing in his house, and he is guilt ridden from smoking Gibson's wife. And Gibson hates the world, so it's understandable that he wouldn't care if it's invaded. Everyone else is paranoid and afraid.
In terms of pacing and style that's all subjective. If you don't like it you don't like it, and that's alright if you hate it for that. But it's not useless garbage. Tone shifts dramatically at the end, making it clear that the movie reflects Mel's attitude. Characters might have actually acted differently, but the movie is from Mel's point of view, so it's his perception we see.
Good build-up
Flawed and quirky characters
Original take on alien invasion
Heavily stylized
9/10 I'm in the "love it" crowd
Ultimately this movie is a very love it or hate it flick. I love it and if you don't that's cool. But don't act like it's stupid, because it is pretty smart if you think about it.
Friday, September 11, 2015
The Patriot: Roland Emmerich Can't Fail
I really like Roland Emmerich. So much so that I'll try out a new way of review. I'm gonna review it in three parts: I'll review act I before watching act II, act II before act III, then the whole movie. Now let's hop in.
From the get go this is better than Braveheart. Our hero is Mel Gibson because I forgot his character's name. He runs a plantation with his family and black people who aren't slaves. In addition he refuses to vote pro war against Britain because he feels it'd be wrong since he won't fight. That is unrealistically nice for the 1770s, but Roland understands that if the movie won't question the righteousness of the character the audience shouldn't either. When the game changing death occurs it isn't some lady we bearly know getting her throat cut off-screen, but his son we know a bit about getting shot. On-screen. And dying in Mel Gibson's arms. Because that's a motivation. He does flip in the upcoming skirmish and butchers the last dude with a tomahawk. The trick is that the tone is shocked, not cheering, the music slows, things go quiet, his kids are disturbed, and he realizes it was excessive. That's enough for me not to think he's a completely psychotic maniac. But will this change? We'll see.
Another thing this has over Braveheart is the fact that the Americans die in action scenes, it's hard to buy a struggling war when you never lose. Brutality on both sides is shown and the tone always treats it as evil regardless of the side doing it. Eventually Mel's son Gabe convinces him to stop with the unnecessary bloodshed. When something is decided in this movie it sticks with it. It even shows that the British condemn the savage methods used by one of their rambunctious colonels. The Americans clearly depicted as the good guys, but I respect that the British get a fair shake.
Well dang. I knew Gabriel's girlfriend would die when they got married but I didn't think Rambunctious Colonel would lock her and others in church and burn it down! For the record, it was the villains that did this, because burning people alive is evil, and you can't really root for that. Gabriel catches up to Rambunctious Colonel while he's cosplaying as Samurai Cop. Rambunctious Colonel goes to town with his sword and ends up killing Gabe. When Mel finds him he has a minor stroke then cries. The final battle is quite terrific. Gibson and Rambunctious Colonel throw down, but unlike Lethal Weapon where there's guys just watching, the extras in the background are engaged in battle. Epic finishing line. America. Credits.
Great Characters
Both sides are 3 dimensional
Best cinematic musket gunplay
Portrays immoral actions as bad
Roland Emmerich morals
9/10 Flawless
It's the American Revolution directed by Roland Emmerich. That about sums it up.
From the get go this is better than Braveheart. Our hero is Mel Gibson because I forgot his character's name. He runs a plantation with his family and black people who aren't slaves. In addition he refuses to vote pro war against Britain because he feels it'd be wrong since he won't fight. That is unrealistically nice for the 1770s, but Roland understands that if the movie won't question the righteousness of the character the audience shouldn't either. When the game changing death occurs it isn't some lady we bearly know getting her throat cut off-screen, but his son we know a bit about getting shot. On-screen. And dying in Mel Gibson's arms. Because that's a motivation. He does flip in the upcoming skirmish and butchers the last dude with a tomahawk. The trick is that the tone is shocked, not cheering, the music slows, things go quiet, his kids are disturbed, and he realizes it was excessive. That's enough for me not to think he's a completely psychotic maniac. But will this change? We'll see.
Another thing this has over Braveheart is the fact that the Americans die in action scenes, it's hard to buy a struggling war when you never lose. Brutality on both sides is shown and the tone always treats it as evil regardless of the side doing it. Eventually Mel's son Gabe convinces him to stop with the unnecessary bloodshed. When something is decided in this movie it sticks with it. It even shows that the British condemn the savage methods used by one of their rambunctious colonels. The Americans clearly depicted as the good guys, but I respect that the British get a fair shake.
Well dang. I knew Gabriel's girlfriend would die when they got married but I didn't think Rambunctious Colonel would lock her and others in church and burn it down! For the record, it was the villains that did this, because burning people alive is evil, and you can't really root for that. Gabriel catches up to Rambunctious Colonel while he's cosplaying as Samurai Cop. Rambunctious Colonel goes to town with his sword and ends up killing Gabe. When Mel finds him he has a minor stroke then cries. The final battle is quite terrific. Gibson and Rambunctious Colonel throw down, but unlike Lethal Weapon where there's guys just watching, the extras in the background are engaged in battle. Epic finishing line. America. Credits.
Great Characters
Both sides are 3 dimensional
Best cinematic musket gunplay
Portrays immoral actions as bad
Roland Emmerich morals
9/10 Flawless
It's the American Revolution directed by Roland Emmerich. That about sums it up.
Friday, September 4, 2015
Braveheart: the Highlight Real is Better
This movie is a portrait of peaks and valleys. What works is pretty good, but the stuff that doesn't really doesn't.
Our hero is William Wallace, a real historical figure that fought for Scottish independence in med While he was a extraordinary dude, you can see by looking at a map of Europe, he did not succeed.
But on to the movie. Wallace doesn't actually fight the British until that one day when everything changed... When the British killed his wife! Historically Wallace did start fighting after his girlfriend was killed by Brits, but the movie doesn't do anything with it. She just gets killed. It's not even graphic, she gets her throat cut, and the camera avoids her gore. It'll show generic troops that are just doing their job get gruesomely massacred, but the death that's supposed to haunt us and get us to get 100% behind Wallace is just glossed over. Credit where it's do, the executioner died the same way Wallace's wife did. I can always get behind that.
If it went straight action and Scottish patriotism from there, there'd still be problems but it'd be pretty good. What shoots this movie in the foot is how it frequently stops to show us the English nobles talking. It's so very boring and only serves to remind us that the British king is a short-tempered angry little buttstamp.
The action consists of Scots killing Brits. The only time Scots die is in an arrow barrage. That doesn't help me root for Wallace, the British look helpless, they get perpetually owned. It doesn't hurt that Wallace and his men get more sadistic as the movie goes on. They go as far as to lock troops in a house and burn it down. I can forgive it during the battle right after his wife died, but after 90 minutes they look like ruthless savages.
The motivation is unbearably cliché and too flimsy to justify 3 hours of slaughtering incompetent cannon fodder. The pacing is erratic and can kill a mood. However when Wallace gives a speech, or it delves into patriotism it can rile you up for the upcoming battle. Robert the Bruce, Hamish, and Stephen were great characters. And the last 20 minutes were amazing! Ultimately when something worked it was flawless. Unfortunately the stuff that didn't was either a slog or takes you out of it. If this movie were chopped down to an hour of the good stuff, it'd be a glorious experience. But it isn't. It's got gold buried in a lot of mud.
Cliché motivation
Lackluster turning point
Overpowered heroes
Underpowered villains
Dull main characters
Good side characters
Epic ending
Classic quote
7/10 Mixed Bag
There is some REALLY good stuff here but there is so much meh between it.
Our hero is William Wallace, a real historical figure that fought for Scottish independence in med While he was a extraordinary dude, you can see by looking at a map of Europe, he did not succeed.
But on to the movie. Wallace doesn't actually fight the British until that one day when everything changed... When the British killed his wife! Historically Wallace did start fighting after his girlfriend was killed by Brits, but the movie doesn't do anything with it. She just gets killed. It's not even graphic, she gets her throat cut, and the camera avoids her gore. It'll show generic troops that are just doing their job get gruesomely massacred, but the death that's supposed to haunt us and get us to get 100% behind Wallace is just glossed over. Credit where it's do, the executioner died the same way Wallace's wife did. I can always get behind that.
If it went straight action and Scottish patriotism from there, there'd still be problems but it'd be pretty good. What shoots this movie in the foot is how it frequently stops to show us the English nobles talking. It's so very boring and only serves to remind us that the British king is a short-tempered angry little buttstamp.
The action consists of Scots killing Brits. The only time Scots die is in an arrow barrage. That doesn't help me root for Wallace, the British look helpless, they get perpetually owned. It doesn't hurt that Wallace and his men get more sadistic as the movie goes on. They go as far as to lock troops in a house and burn it down. I can forgive it during the battle right after his wife died, but after 90 minutes they look like ruthless savages.
The motivation is unbearably cliché and too flimsy to justify 3 hours of slaughtering incompetent cannon fodder. The pacing is erratic and can kill a mood. However when Wallace gives a speech, or it delves into patriotism it can rile you up for the upcoming battle. Robert the Bruce, Hamish, and Stephen were great characters. And the last 20 minutes were amazing! Ultimately when something worked it was flawless. Unfortunately the stuff that didn't was either a slog or takes you out of it. If this movie were chopped down to an hour of the good stuff, it'd be a glorious experience. But it isn't. It's got gold buried in a lot of mud.
Cliché motivation
Lackluster turning point
Overpowered heroes
Underpowered villains
Dull main characters
Good side characters
Epic ending
Classic quote
7/10 Mixed Bag
There is some REALLY good stuff here but there is so much meh between it.
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Change of Plans
September is still Mel Gibson month, but I won't be reviewing Mad Max 2. The Road Warrior is currently my favorite movie. Ever. But there isn't much to say about it. There's the not so subtle subtext on pollution and oil dependence and some amazing action. It isn't slowed down by exposition and is stellar at visual storytelling. But I found a Mel Gibson movie that might make for a more... "interesting" ride. I recently found a movie called "Get the Gringo," and I can't not do a review on something called that!
Dying Light Lockpicking Trick That Legitimately Works!
When you screw up your controller vibrates. But the trick is: Only one half of the controller vibrates! Push the pin that way and it's easier than ever!
For example: The right handle vibrates when you have the straight up, you spin the pin to the right and try again. It's halfway open when the left handle vibrates. Push the pin a little to the left and bam! Lockpicking is beyond easy with this trick!
For example: The right handle vibrates when you have the straight up, you spin the pin to the right and try again. It's halfway open when the left handle vibrates. Push the pin a little to the left and bam! Lockpicking is beyond easy with this trick!
Monday, August 31, 2015
Nicolas Rage
This movie can be seen for free on Netflix, so I highly recommend watching it before reading this review. It is way better without spoilers. I'm trying out a new strategy of critique this time, so let me know if you prefer this quicker technique or the larger summary style. Now let's tackle this impressive B movie!
Rage stars Nicolas Cage as a former criminal who got out of the game and got a job in the city government. At the begining of the film you'll notice that his daughter, while not an amazing character, is way better than most teenage girls in action movies. She gets kidnapped (because of course she does) early on, but it wasn't because she didn't listen to her dad, it just happened when she was at home with her friends while her parents out at dinner. This really helps the audience care about her fate, because unlike movies like Taken, she didn't bring it on herself.
Nicolas Cage gets help from his two best friends to help find his kid. While Cage was a criminal they did a job where they ended up killing the brother of the boss of the Russian mob. Despite their efforts to find her she turns up dead. When they discover she was killed by a Russian handgun they figure she was killed in an act of revenge. While most of this movie is well made, the action sequences have problems. First off there's no blood, squibs or CG, which would't be as noticable if Nicolas Cage wasn't using a giant knife! But more significant is the damn shakey cam. I usually don't mind it, but the camera sways so freaking much and it isn't called for! But two action scenes do work really well, there's a shootout an apartment and a bar where the lack of blood isn't noticable and camera isn't moving all over the place. Those scenes were pretty awesome.
This movie was a 6.5 because of ridiculous shakey cam crap and a complete lack of blood despite Nic Cage using a dagger, but the ending is one the best I've seen for a while. It turns out his daughter and her friends pulled out some of his old guns and her one friend accidently killed her while they were messing around with them. Cage spared him because he knew that kid loved his daughter and was riddled with guilt. Cage then goes home and waits to be killed in his daughter's room.
Distracting shakey cam
No blood
Some good action
Decent characters
Well written teenagers
Dark and gritty in a good way
Great story
Nicolas Cage
Excellent unseen plot twist
8 Excellent
There are drawbacks, but an excellent movie you should absolutley watch. It's like Taken, but with worse action and better EVERYTHING ELSE.
Rage stars Nicolas Cage as a former criminal who got out of the game and got a job in the city government. At the begining of the film you'll notice that his daughter, while not an amazing character, is way better than most teenage girls in action movies. She gets kidnapped (because of course she does) early on, but it wasn't because she didn't listen to her dad, it just happened when she was at home with her friends while her parents out at dinner. This really helps the audience care about her fate, because unlike movies like Taken, she didn't bring it on herself.
Nicolas Cage gets help from his two best friends to help find his kid. While Cage was a criminal they did a job where they ended up killing the brother of the boss of the Russian mob. Despite their efforts to find her she turns up dead. When they discover she was killed by a Russian handgun they figure she was killed in an act of revenge. While most of this movie is well made, the action sequences have problems. First off there's no blood, squibs or CG, which would't be as noticable if Nicolas Cage wasn't using a giant knife! But more significant is the damn shakey cam. I usually don't mind it, but the camera sways so freaking much and it isn't called for! But two action scenes do work really well, there's a shootout an apartment and a bar where the lack of blood isn't noticable and camera isn't moving all over the place. Those scenes were pretty awesome.
This movie was a 6.5 because of ridiculous shakey cam crap and a complete lack of blood despite Nic Cage using a dagger, but the ending is one the best I've seen for a while. It turns out his daughter and her friends pulled out some of his old guns and her one friend accidently killed her while they were messing around with them. Cage spared him because he knew that kid loved his daughter and was riddled with guilt. Cage then goes home and waits to be killed in his daughter's room.
Distracting shakey cam
No blood
Some good action
Decent characters
Well written teenagers
Dark and gritty in a good way
Great story
Nicolas Cage
Excellent unseen plot twist
8 Excellent
There are drawbacks, but an excellent movie you should absolutley watch. It's like Taken, but with worse action and better EVERYTHING ELSE.
Saturday, August 29, 2015
That Moon Knows How to Strike 'Em
I went into this movie blind with my only expectation being to see Nicolas Cage. Let's see what this movie has to offer.
We start our story in-AH JEEZ-a funeral home, ain't that foreboding. We meet the owner, Loretta, who has the same haircut as Elaine from Seinfeld.
But that don't matter, up next is date night!
Some other dude in the restaurant is on a date too. While not crucial it does give birth to an amazing line: "Kiss my aspirations!" I will use the crap out of that line. So Elaine's boyfriend proposes to her, now everyone else has to wait to propose you jerk, and she says yes! Well that was quick, I'm done for the day.
Nope there's more! Her fiance screws off to see his dying mom, leaving Elaine to set crap up.
After Elaine sets up the wedding she goes to get her fiace's astranged brother, Nicolas Cage! Cage cut contact with his brother when he got his hand chopped off while preparing some bread for him. But if that's not enough his fiance left him too.
Elaine tries to cheer up Handless Cage with steak. They easily read each other and after a few insults Cage flips the table (with one hand) and they make out. The moon showed that it approves that night.
When Elaine wakes up she flips and doesn't want Nicolas Cage at her wedding. He agrees under the condition she goes to the opera with him. Meanwhile Elaine's mom is convinced her husband is cheating on her. She decides to go on a journey to find out why men chase women; going as far as to talk to the guy who kissed some aspirations earier.
Elaine has a ball at the opera with Cage. That is until they leave when OH SNAP her dad was cheating! They yell at each other and part ways since neither can judge. At Cage's house Elaine succomes to his charms again. Meanwhile at Elaine's house her fiance comes back!
The next day Elaine comes home and everything starts to hit the fan. First Cage pops in to wait for his brother so he can what's happening. At the breakfast table Elaine's mom confronts her spouse on the affair and after slapping the table he agrees to stop. Then Elaine's fiance comes in to explain that his recovered immediatly after hearing about the wedding. The thing was a ploy to heal his mom, so now he's calling of the wedding. Doesn't matter though, because Cage proposes on the spot! And they all lived happily ever after! Cause how else does a romantic comedy end?
Leagues better than other romantic comedies.
Conflict is legitimate, not contrived.
The characters are likable and 3 dimensional.
The couple works well.
Humor isn't obserdly raunchy.
Better for what it isn't than what it is.
9/10 on a romantic comedy scale
6/10 in my taste
While this isn't my taste in cinema I do have a lot of respect for it.
We start our story in-AH JEEZ-a funeral home, ain't that foreboding. We meet the owner, Loretta, who has the same haircut as Elaine from Seinfeld.
But that don't matter, up next is date night!
Some other dude in the restaurant is on a date too. While not crucial it does give birth to an amazing line: "Kiss my aspirations!" I will use the crap out of that line. So Elaine's boyfriend proposes to her, now everyone else has to wait to propose you jerk, and she says yes! Well that was quick, I'm done for the day.
Nope there's more! Her fiance screws off to see his dying mom, leaving Elaine to set crap up.
After Elaine sets up the wedding she goes to get her fiace's astranged brother, Nicolas Cage! Cage cut contact with his brother when he got his hand chopped off while preparing some bread for him. But if that's not enough his fiance left him too.
Elaine tries to cheer up Handless Cage with steak. They easily read each other and after a few insults Cage flips the table (with one hand) and they make out. The moon showed that it approves that night.
When Elaine wakes up she flips and doesn't want Nicolas Cage at her wedding. He agrees under the condition she goes to the opera with him. Meanwhile Elaine's mom is convinced her husband is cheating on her. She decides to go on a journey to find out why men chase women; going as far as to talk to the guy who kissed some aspirations earier.
Elaine has a ball at the opera with Cage. That is until they leave when OH SNAP her dad was cheating! They yell at each other and part ways since neither can judge. At Cage's house Elaine succomes to his charms again. Meanwhile at Elaine's house her fiance comes back!
The next day Elaine comes home and everything starts to hit the fan. First Cage pops in to wait for his brother so he can what's happening. At the breakfast table Elaine's mom confronts her spouse on the affair and after slapping the table he agrees to stop. Then Elaine's fiance comes in to explain that his recovered immediatly after hearing about the wedding. The thing was a ploy to heal his mom, so now he's calling of the wedding. Doesn't matter though, because Cage proposes on the spot! And they all lived happily ever after! Cause how else does a romantic comedy end?
Leagues better than other romantic comedies.
Conflict is legitimate, not contrived.
The characters are likable and 3 dimensional.
The couple works well.
Humor isn't obserdly raunchy.
Better for what it isn't than what it is.
9/10 on a romantic comedy scale
6/10 in my taste
While this isn't my taste in cinema I do have a lot of respect for it.
Apology/Update
I am deeply for not posting my review yesterday. My computer has been out of comission for monthes so I've been posting from my phone. It took a crap yesterday so now I'm writing from my Xbox. Luckily I can keep going, but now I don't have an auto spell check. I hope to make up for production mishap by posting not only posting my Moonstruck review, but also a review of another Nicolas Cage movie: Rage. Thanks for sticking with me.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Important Update
Tomorrow's review will be Moonstruck, a romance from my favorite actor: Nicolas Cage.
On a more exciting note September will be Mel Gibson month! I'll review Braveheart, The Patriot, Signs, and Mad Max 2 in that order.
On a more exciting note September will be Mel Gibson month! I'll review Braveheart, The Patriot, Signs, and Mad Max 2 in that order.
Friday, August 21, 2015
Rating System
I give a detailed review at the top. They shouldn't be as long as inglorious bastards from now on, but if you want to cut to the chase at the bottom is a number score (1-10 with a .5 decimal when something just barely isn't good enough) As well as some quick points on what works and what doesn't. As far as my opinion goes, context is everything. I won't go on a tangent unless the work can back it up.
Without further adieu, here's some numbers:
10 Inspiring: Ambitious, paced perfect, entertaining start to finish, unique concept or spin on concept, thought provoking, quotable, accomplishes more than intended
9 Flawless: Accomplishes what it wanted, very entertaining, memorable, great pacing, satisfying experience
8 Excellent: Entertaining, confident, something to talk about.
7 Great: An enjoyable experience, it gets the job done and you don't regret it
6 Good: Decent experience, some stuff fails, but good enough to enjoy
5 Ok: Some stuff works, some stuff doesn't, not a slog, but not enjoyable, doesn't accomplish what it wanted to or it's goal was lackluster
4 Meh: Nothing offensive but nothing good either
3 Bad: Poorly made, makes time move slower, causes annoyance
2 Awful: Causes anger at the mention of it
1 Garbage: The world would be better off without it
Without further adieu, here's some numbers:
10 Inspiring: Ambitious, paced perfect, entertaining start to finish, unique concept or spin on concept, thought provoking, quotable, accomplishes more than intended
9 Flawless: Accomplishes what it wanted, very entertaining, memorable, great pacing, satisfying experience
8 Excellent: Entertaining, confident, something to talk about.
7 Great: An enjoyable experience, it gets the job done and you don't regret it
6 Good: Decent experience, some stuff fails, but good enough to enjoy
5 Ok: Some stuff works, some stuff doesn't, not a slog, but not enjoyable, doesn't accomplish what it wanted to or it's goal was lackluster
4 Meh: Nothing offensive but nothing good either
3 Bad: Poorly made, makes time move slower, causes annoyance
2 Awful: Causes anger at the mention of it
1 Garbage: The world would be better off without it
inglorious bastards... Please Just Hear Me Out
This movie is, admittedly, better than I remember. It is competent, but bloated and pointless. Some critics write it off as mindless violence, others as an insightful masterpiece loaded with nuance, some praise it for being wildly entertaining; a quote on the box calls it a "high-octane revenge fantasy." These statements aren't accurate, and clearly they haven't watched it. I plan on giving it a fair chance. It's over two hours long, and I'm treating it as such.
In the first scene we meet our main antagonist, kinda, Colonel Nazipants, as he looks for Jews on a dairy farm. He talks to the proprietor about why the Nazis hate Jews. No reason whatsoever, they just do. I figure I'll let this movie slide on historical accuracy, it's easier this way. Nazipants also reveals his nickname is the "Jew-hunter." I'm glad he did, it only ever comes up once after that, and this is the only time he hunts Jews. When Nazipants figures out the Jewish family are hidden under the floor he has his buddies come in and shoot them all, through the floor, the gunfire lasts less than three seconds and we don't see any carnage. It would be like if the rape scene in I Spit on Your Grave just panned up to the trees for five seconds to establish the bad guys. Then one escapes, French Jew Movie Lady. Nazipants sees her, aims his gun at her, but doesn't shoot, or even call his friends after her. I thought he was supposed to be a Jew hunter! It's not even like she matters in the plot, she could die and the movie would end the same.
After that ordeal we meet the bastards, Brad Pitt, the Bear Jew, and the the other eight. Three kinda almost get characterized, but it's so brief that they aren't memorable. The bastards each owe 100 Nazi Scalps to Brad Pitt, who's hatred for Nazis isn't consistent or explained. But remember, he wants 800 Nazis dead by the others alone. Then we get a trailer shot of Hitler saying "nein, nein, nein" then we see a flashback of the bastards in- scratch that- after action, because when people watch a high-octane revenge fantasy they want to skip those boring action sequences. Brad Pitt offers to free three Nazis, even though he clearly hates them and wants a minimum of 800 dead. Bear Jew kills one with a bat in an anticlimactic way and acts like an unlikeable psychotic scumbag. Brad Pitt introduces us to two more bastards so they can die later, one's Austrian (that's all we learn about him) and the other is a Nazi traitor that every Nazi recognizes. We then get a narrator out of freaking nowhere to explain who Nazi Traitor Dude is, as in, we get a brief (less than 10 second) montage of him killing Nazi officers, we don't know why he did, and that's 900 dead Nazis as a bare minimum. Brad Pitt carves a swastika in one's forehead and lets him go even though his only established trait is the desire to kill Nazis, and him wanting 900 scalps. This scene shows that the bastards are personalityless snotgobblers with a blind prejudice against Nazis. They're less likable and more one-dimensional than the damn Nazis.
The next scene is outside the cinema owned by French Jew Movie Lady, here is where we meet Polite Nazi Hero Man, the most likeable character in the movie. 30 minutes into this "high-octane revenge fantasy" and there's less than 30 seconds of action, and the most likable character is a Nazi war hero.
After she finds out he fought off 300 enemy troops by himself French Jew Movie Lady decides to take advantage of the situation and go to dinner with Polite Nazi Hero Man. At dinner Hitler's BFF random sex scene dec- Wait! What the heck? It served no purpose whatsoever! Anyway Hitler's BFF moves the premiere of a movie based on the story of Polite Nazi Hero Man to French Jew Movie Ladies' theater after being persuaded by Polite Nazi Hero Man. All high ranking Nazis, including Hitler will be there. French Jew Movie Lady had nothing to do with it. She's an awful character that's awfully written, like pretty much all characters in this movie aside from Colonel Nazipants, who shows up to have a pastry with French Jew Movie Lady. We learn Hitler is a racist. French Jew Movie Lady is now tasked with the projectors instead of Black Projector Man. Epic action of cream being on the pastry ensues. Seriously, look up the scene.
Everything in this movie is so padded.
We're back at the cinema. French Jew Movie Lady tells Black Projector Man her plan to blow up the cinema when Hitler's posse is there. They're romantically involved too, probably. She's says they love each other, and they kiss at the end, but that's it. This movie is very tell, not much show. Speaking of telling, the narrator comes back to tells us 1940s film reels burn faster than paper, so they're explosive. Then he screws off for the rest of the movie.
Then another subplot where we meet a British spy, Hitcocks. We learn quite a bit about his career as a critic, we know more about Hitcocks than any other character. The British Spymaster reminds us that Hitler and his buddies are watching a movie at French Jew Movie Ladies' theater. It's really complicated, I'm glad they reminded us.
The next scene starts with 10 minutes of filler where a German actress tells the British spy, the Austrian, and Nazi Traitor Dude about her plan to blow up the cinema with Hitler and Friends in it. Ten feet from a table of Nazis. They get caught when Hitcocks holds up the wrong three fingers in front of a Nazi officer. For the record, it's been established that high-ranking Nazi are acutely aware who Traitor Nazi Dude is, but he's not identified until Nazipants investigates later. This builds to a 15-second shootout that includes 2 nutshots and a lot of disappointment. The bastards show up to break character and agree to spare a Nazi whom we learn is a father in exchange for Actress Spy Lady. Doesn't matter, Actress Spy Lady shoots Nazi dad for no reason.
There's interrogation filler even though she killed a Nazi and two bastards were there. They plan to impersonate an Italian film crew for bad jokes.
Colonial Nazipants discovers Actress Spy Woman was involved in the basement shootout. Then he goes to the movie. Just like that.
Pointless music sequence. Filler.
Finally we're at the theater. We could have arrived an hour ago without the relentless filler. Nazipants has a pointless conversation with the disguised bastards. This plot point was made so the bastards could say Italian names in a ridiculous Italian accent, the whole thing is bloated and unfunny. Nazipants brings Actress Spy Woman to the other room and kills her. Loose ends? He had a friend in the shootout? He wasn't saving the other Nazis.
After the murder Nazipants captures Brad Pitt and Bear Jew so he can strike a deal where he gets off scot free in addition to money and a plot of land. The bastards agree because I guess Brad got his scalps.
Polite Nazi Hero Man doesn't like watching all the violence in the movie, so he goes to spend time with French Jew Movie Lady. She tries to get him in the seated section so he can blow up, but he's having none of that. When his back is turned she shoots him three times. After that she kneels by him in a very remorseful way. She could have clunked him on the head with a reel and brought him outside if she didn't want him to die. The only reason she does this is to look good and righteous. Polite Nazi Hero Man ices her in his last moments. Then Black Projector man blows up the screen. It does not show if he lives, but given he's a black guy in a movie he probably died. Two nameless bastards put dynamite at the back of the theater to blow up after they shoot Hitler, his BFF, and some Nazis in the theater that are about to be blown up anyway. Then theater really explodes. Good luck getting those scalps. The climax lasted one minute and fifty seconds. The fate of those bastards is unconfirmed. They provided brief entertainment and weren't obnoxiously unlikable, so chances are they're ground beef.
In the last scene Nazipants and a Nazi radio operator who hasn't killed anyone go to surrender to Brad Pitt and get their payment. Brad Pitt kills the innocent Nazi and Bear Jew scalps him because apparently he didn't reach 100 yet. Then they carve a swastika in Nazipants. That's it. One of the few evil Nazis in the movie gets off on that. One from earlier that we didn't know got shot in the groin but Nazipants gets a mark he can cover with a hat.
End credits.
This was much longer than I'd like, but the whole film has to be reviewed. Otherwise people pick and choose very small sections to call it good.
It's over two hours long and being advertised as an action movie. I timed it, there's less than five minutes of action. None of the characters go threw an arc, they have goal, they get it, and they're done, they don't change. Even so they're inconsistent, unlikeable, and bland. It's not fun, no new thoughts are presented, and it's an excruciating slog of filler, repetitious conversations, stuff that goes nowhere, and stuff out of nowhere.
It fails as an action movie.
It fails as a revenge fantasy.
It fails as a spy movie.
It fails as a World War II movie.
It fails as a drama.
It fails as a satire.
It fails at everything.
.5/10 Sewage
Better than I thought, but not quite a 1.
In the first scene we meet our main antagonist, kinda, Colonel Nazipants, as he looks for Jews on a dairy farm. He talks to the proprietor about why the Nazis hate Jews. No reason whatsoever, they just do. I figure I'll let this movie slide on historical accuracy, it's easier this way. Nazipants also reveals his nickname is the "Jew-hunter." I'm glad he did, it only ever comes up once after that, and this is the only time he hunts Jews. When Nazipants figures out the Jewish family are hidden under the floor he has his buddies come in and shoot them all, through the floor, the gunfire lasts less than three seconds and we don't see any carnage. It would be like if the rape scene in I Spit on Your Grave just panned up to the trees for five seconds to establish the bad guys. Then one escapes, French Jew Movie Lady. Nazipants sees her, aims his gun at her, but doesn't shoot, or even call his friends after her. I thought he was supposed to be a Jew hunter! It's not even like she matters in the plot, she could die and the movie would end the same.
After that ordeal we meet the bastards, Brad Pitt, the Bear Jew, and the the other eight. Three kinda almost get characterized, but it's so brief that they aren't memorable. The bastards each owe 100 Nazi Scalps to Brad Pitt, who's hatred for Nazis isn't consistent or explained. But remember, he wants 800 Nazis dead by the others alone. Then we get a trailer shot of Hitler saying "nein, nein, nein" then we see a flashback of the bastards in- scratch that- after action, because when people watch a high-octane revenge fantasy they want to skip those boring action sequences. Brad Pitt offers to free three Nazis, even though he clearly hates them and wants a minimum of 800 dead. Bear Jew kills one with a bat in an anticlimactic way and acts like an unlikeable psychotic scumbag. Brad Pitt introduces us to two more bastards so they can die later, one's Austrian (that's all we learn about him) and the other is a Nazi traitor that every Nazi recognizes. We then get a narrator out of freaking nowhere to explain who Nazi Traitor Dude is, as in, we get a brief (less than 10 second) montage of him killing Nazi officers, we don't know why he did, and that's 900 dead Nazis as a bare minimum. Brad Pitt carves a swastika in one's forehead and lets him go even though his only established trait is the desire to kill Nazis, and him wanting 900 scalps. This scene shows that the bastards are personalityless snotgobblers with a blind prejudice against Nazis. They're less likable and more one-dimensional than the damn Nazis.
The next scene is outside the cinema owned by French Jew Movie Lady, here is where we meet Polite Nazi Hero Man, the most likeable character in the movie. 30 minutes into this "high-octane revenge fantasy" and there's less than 30 seconds of action, and the most likable character is a Nazi war hero.
After she finds out he fought off 300 enemy troops by himself French Jew Movie Lady decides to take advantage of the situation and go to dinner with Polite Nazi Hero Man. At dinner Hitler's BFF random sex scene dec- Wait! What the heck? It served no purpose whatsoever! Anyway Hitler's BFF moves the premiere of a movie based on the story of Polite Nazi Hero Man to French Jew Movie Ladies' theater after being persuaded by Polite Nazi Hero Man. All high ranking Nazis, including Hitler will be there. French Jew Movie Lady had nothing to do with it. She's an awful character that's awfully written, like pretty much all characters in this movie aside from Colonel Nazipants, who shows up to have a pastry with French Jew Movie Lady. We learn Hitler is a racist. French Jew Movie Lady is now tasked with the projectors instead of Black Projector Man. Epic action of cream being on the pastry ensues. Seriously, look up the scene.
Everything in this movie is so padded.
We're back at the cinema. French Jew Movie Lady tells Black Projector Man her plan to blow up the cinema when Hitler's posse is there. They're romantically involved too, probably. She's says they love each other, and they kiss at the end, but that's it. This movie is very tell, not much show. Speaking of telling, the narrator comes back to tells us 1940s film reels burn faster than paper, so they're explosive. Then he screws off for the rest of the movie.
Then another subplot where we meet a British spy, Hitcocks. We learn quite a bit about his career as a critic, we know more about Hitcocks than any other character. The British Spymaster reminds us that Hitler and his buddies are watching a movie at French Jew Movie Ladies' theater. It's really complicated, I'm glad they reminded us.
The next scene starts with 10 minutes of filler where a German actress tells the British spy, the Austrian, and Nazi Traitor Dude about her plan to blow up the cinema with Hitler and Friends in it. Ten feet from a table of Nazis. They get caught when Hitcocks holds up the wrong three fingers in front of a Nazi officer. For the record, it's been established that high-ranking Nazi are acutely aware who Traitor Nazi Dude is, but he's not identified until Nazipants investigates later. This builds to a 15-second shootout that includes 2 nutshots and a lot of disappointment. The bastards show up to break character and agree to spare a Nazi whom we learn is a father in exchange for Actress Spy Lady. Doesn't matter, Actress Spy Lady shoots Nazi dad for no reason.
There's interrogation filler even though she killed a Nazi and two bastards were there. They plan to impersonate an Italian film crew for bad jokes.
Colonial Nazipants discovers Actress Spy Woman was involved in the basement shootout. Then he goes to the movie. Just like that.
Pointless music sequence. Filler.
Finally we're at the theater. We could have arrived an hour ago without the relentless filler. Nazipants has a pointless conversation with the disguised bastards. This plot point was made so the bastards could say Italian names in a ridiculous Italian accent, the whole thing is bloated and unfunny. Nazipants brings Actress Spy Woman to the other room and kills her. Loose ends? He had a friend in the shootout? He wasn't saving the other Nazis.
After the murder Nazipants captures Brad Pitt and Bear Jew so he can strike a deal where he gets off scot free in addition to money and a plot of land. The bastards agree because I guess Brad got his scalps.
Polite Nazi Hero Man doesn't like watching all the violence in the movie, so he goes to spend time with French Jew Movie Lady. She tries to get him in the seated section so he can blow up, but he's having none of that. When his back is turned she shoots him three times. After that she kneels by him in a very remorseful way. She could have clunked him on the head with a reel and brought him outside if she didn't want him to die. The only reason she does this is to look good and righteous. Polite Nazi Hero Man ices her in his last moments. Then Black Projector man blows up the screen. It does not show if he lives, but given he's a black guy in a movie he probably died. Two nameless bastards put dynamite at the back of the theater to blow up after they shoot Hitler, his BFF, and some Nazis in the theater that are about to be blown up anyway. Then theater really explodes. Good luck getting those scalps. The climax lasted one minute and fifty seconds. The fate of those bastards is unconfirmed. They provided brief entertainment and weren't obnoxiously unlikable, so chances are they're ground beef.
In the last scene Nazipants and a Nazi radio operator who hasn't killed anyone go to surrender to Brad Pitt and get their payment. Brad Pitt kills the innocent Nazi and Bear Jew scalps him because apparently he didn't reach 100 yet. Then they carve a swastika in Nazipants. That's it. One of the few evil Nazis in the movie gets off on that. One from earlier that we didn't know got shot in the groin but Nazipants gets a mark he can cover with a hat.
End credits.
This was much longer than I'd like, but the whole film has to be reviewed. Otherwise people pick and choose very small sections to call it good.
It's over two hours long and being advertised as an action movie. I timed it, there's less than five minutes of action. None of the characters go threw an arc, they have goal, they get it, and they're done, they don't change. Even so they're inconsistent, unlikeable, and bland. It's not fun, no new thoughts are presented, and it's an excruciating slog of filler, repetitious conversations, stuff that goes nowhere, and stuff out of nowhere.
It fails as an action movie.
It fails as a revenge fantasy.
It fails as a spy movie.
It fails as a World War II movie.
It fails as a drama.
It fails as a satire.
It fails at everything.
.5/10 Sewage
Better than I thought, but not quite a 1.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Welcome!
Welcome to Insects under Foot! The blog of an eccentric individual with a lot to say! In the upcoming paragraphs I hope to flesh the intentions of this blog. I plan on branching out to other websites with more content, but I'll be working small scale right here for now while I get comfortable.
I'll be using this blog to post analyses, critiques, and other ramblings of my opinions based primarily on movies, video games, pop culture, and whatever else crosses my slothful gaze. I will post these... posts on (most) every Friday, time varying.
I do not live near a theater and I don't get review copies of games, so most of my reviews and critiques will come from the games and DVDs in my house. Sometimes gems sometimes garbage.
I am always looking for feedback, just comment on a post what you think I'm doing well, what I'm doing horribly, or something I could do. Even if I don't answer all feedback I will read it all.
I usually won't post something that my opinion doesn't offer something new on, there's no point restating what's already been said.
With that said some of my views will be controversial, like my first critique. I scoured the internet for someone who shares my opinion, but I couldn't. Everyone thinks this movie is the cat's pajamas, an amazing film, that I'm wrong, that I don't get it, but I find that they ignore an awful lot of the film. Words can scarcely describe the the festering hive of negative emotions this horrid piece of trash invokes in me. I abhor this movie in its entirety. This movie outright offends me and it's about time I was the one voice that says this movie isn't God's gift to the world. This is the only movie that I so deeply loathe I refuse to ever capitalize its title. This Friday I will post my analysis on the putrid excuse of a movie: inglorious bastards.
Hope to see you then.
I'll be using this blog to post analyses, critiques, and other ramblings of my opinions based primarily on movies, video games, pop culture, and whatever else crosses my slothful gaze. I will post these... posts on (most) every Friday, time varying.
I do not live near a theater and I don't get review copies of games, so most of my reviews and critiques will come from the games and DVDs in my house. Sometimes gems sometimes garbage.
I am always looking for feedback, just comment on a post what you think I'm doing well, what I'm doing horribly, or something I could do. Even if I don't answer all feedback I will read it all.
I usually won't post something that my opinion doesn't offer something new on, there's no point restating what's already been said.
With that said some of my views will be controversial, like my first critique. I scoured the internet for someone who shares my opinion, but I couldn't. Everyone thinks this movie is the cat's pajamas, an amazing film, that I'm wrong, that I don't get it, but I find that they ignore an awful lot of the film. Words can scarcely describe the the festering hive of negative emotions this horrid piece of trash invokes in me. I abhor this movie in its entirety. This movie outright offends me and it's about time I was the one voice that says this movie isn't God's gift to the world. This is the only movie that I so deeply loathe I refuse to ever capitalize its title. This Friday I will post my analysis on the putrid excuse of a movie: inglorious bastards.
Hope to see you then.