This movie is, admittedly, better than I remember. It is competent, but bloated and pointless. Some critics write it off as mindless violence, others as an insightful masterpiece loaded with nuance, some praise it for being wildly entertaining; a quote on the box calls it a "high-octane revenge fantasy." These statements aren't accurate, and clearly they haven't watched it. I plan on giving it a fair chance. It's over two hours long, and I'm treating it as such.
In the first scene we meet our main antagonist, kinda, Colonel Nazipants, as he looks for Jews on a dairy farm. He talks to the proprietor about why the Nazis hate Jews. No reason whatsoever, they just do. I figure I'll let this movie slide on historical accuracy, it's easier this way. Nazipants also reveals his nickname is the "Jew-hunter." I'm glad he did, it only ever comes up once after that, and this is the only time he hunts Jews. When Nazipants figures out the Jewish family are hidden under the floor he has his buddies come in and shoot them all, through the floor, the gunfire lasts less than three seconds and we don't see any carnage. It would be like if the rape scene in I Spit on Your Grave just panned up to the trees for five seconds to establish the bad guys. Then one escapes, French Jew Movie Lady. Nazipants sees her, aims his gun at her, but doesn't shoot, or even call his friends after her. I thought he was supposed to be a Jew hunter! It's not even like she matters in the plot, she could die and the movie would end the same.
After that ordeal we meet the bastards, Brad Pitt, the Bear Jew, and the the other eight. Three kinda almost get characterized, but it's so brief that they aren't memorable. The bastards each owe 100 Nazi Scalps to Brad Pitt, who's hatred for Nazis isn't consistent or explained. But remember, he wants 800 Nazis dead by the others alone. Then we get a trailer shot of Hitler saying "nein, nein, nein" then we see a flashback of the bastards in- scratch that- after action, because when people watch a high-octane revenge fantasy they want to skip those boring action sequences. Brad Pitt offers to free three Nazis, even though he clearly hates them and wants a minimum of 800 dead. Bear Jew kills one with a bat in an anticlimactic way and acts like an unlikeable psychotic scumbag. Brad Pitt introduces us to two more bastards so they can die later, one's Austrian (that's all we learn about him) and the other is a Nazi traitor that every Nazi recognizes. We then get a narrator out of freaking nowhere to explain who Nazi Traitor Dude is, as in, we get a brief (less than 10 second) montage of him killing Nazi officers, we don't know why he did, and that's 900 dead Nazis as a bare minimum. Brad Pitt carves a swastika in one's forehead and lets him go even though his only established trait is the desire to kill Nazis, and him wanting 900 scalps. This scene shows that the bastards are personalityless snotgobblers with a blind prejudice against Nazis. They're less likable and more one-dimensional than the damn Nazis.
The next scene is outside the cinema owned by French Jew Movie Lady, here is where we meet Polite Nazi Hero Man, the most likeable character in the movie. 30 minutes into this "high-octane revenge fantasy" and there's less than 30 seconds of action, and the most likable character is a Nazi war hero.
After she finds out he fought off 300 enemy troops by himself French Jew Movie Lady decides to take advantage of the situation and go to dinner with Polite Nazi Hero Man. At dinner Hitler's BFF random sex scene dec- Wait! What the heck? It served no purpose whatsoever! Anyway Hitler's BFF moves the premiere of a movie based on the story of Polite Nazi Hero Man to French Jew Movie Ladies' theater after being persuaded by Polite Nazi Hero Man. All high ranking Nazis, including Hitler will be there. French Jew Movie Lady had nothing to do with it. She's an awful character that's awfully written, like pretty much all characters in this movie aside from Colonel Nazipants, who shows up to have a pastry with French Jew Movie Lady. We learn Hitler is a racist. French Jew Movie Lady is now tasked with the projectors instead of Black Projector Man. Epic action of cream being on the pastry ensues. Seriously, look up the scene.
Everything in this movie is so padded.
We're back at the cinema. French Jew Movie Lady tells Black Projector Man her plan to blow up the cinema when Hitler's posse is there. They're romantically involved too, probably. She's says they love each other, and they kiss at the end, but that's it. This movie is very tell, not much show. Speaking of telling, the narrator comes back to tells us 1940s film reels burn faster than paper, so they're explosive. Then he screws off for the rest of the movie.
Then another subplot where we meet a British spy, Hitcocks. We learn quite a bit about his career as a critic, we know more about Hitcocks than any other character. The British Spymaster reminds us that Hitler and his buddies are watching a movie at French Jew Movie Ladies' theater. It's really complicated, I'm glad they reminded us.
The next scene starts with 10 minutes of filler where a German actress tells the British spy, the Austrian, and Nazi Traitor Dude about her plan to blow up the cinema with Hitler and Friends in it. Ten feet from a table of Nazis. They get caught when Hitcocks holds up the wrong three fingers in front of a Nazi officer. For the record, it's been established that high-ranking Nazi are acutely aware who Traitor Nazi Dude is, but he's not identified until Nazipants investigates later. This builds to a 15-second shootout that includes 2 nutshots and a lot of disappointment. The bastards show up to break character and agree to spare a Nazi whom we learn is a father in exchange for Actress Spy Lady. Doesn't matter, Actress Spy Lady shoots Nazi dad for no reason.
There's interrogation filler even though she killed a Nazi and two bastards were there. They plan to impersonate an Italian film crew for bad jokes.
Colonial Nazipants discovers Actress Spy Woman was involved in the basement shootout. Then he goes to the movie. Just like that.
Pointless music sequence. Filler.
Finally we're at the theater. We could have arrived an hour ago without the relentless filler. Nazipants has a pointless conversation with the disguised bastards. This plot point was made so the bastards could say Italian names in a ridiculous Italian accent, the whole thing is bloated and unfunny. Nazipants brings Actress Spy Woman to the other room and kills her. Loose ends? He had a friend in the shootout? He wasn't saving the other Nazis.
After the murder Nazipants captures Brad Pitt and Bear Jew so he can strike a deal where he gets off scot free in addition to money and a plot of land. The bastards agree because I guess Brad got his scalps.
Polite Nazi Hero Man doesn't like watching all the violence in the movie, so he goes to spend time with French Jew Movie Lady. She tries to get him in the seated section so he can blow up, but he's having none of that. When his back is turned she shoots him three times. After that she kneels by him in a very remorseful way. She could have clunked him on the head with a reel and brought him outside if she didn't want him to die. The only reason she does this is to look good and righteous. Polite Nazi Hero Man ices her in his last moments. Then Black Projector man blows up the screen. It does not show if he lives, but given he's a black guy in a movie he probably died. Two nameless bastards put dynamite at the back of the theater to blow up after they shoot Hitler, his BFF, and some Nazis in the theater that are about to be blown up anyway. Then theater really explodes. Good luck getting those scalps. The climax lasted one minute and fifty seconds. The fate of those bastards is unconfirmed. They provided brief entertainment and weren't obnoxiously unlikable, so chances are they're ground beef.
In the last scene Nazipants and a Nazi radio operator who hasn't killed anyone go to surrender to Brad Pitt and get their payment. Brad Pitt kills the innocent Nazi and Bear Jew scalps him because apparently he didn't reach 100 yet. Then they carve a swastika in Nazipants. That's it. One of the few evil Nazis in the movie gets off on that. One from earlier that we didn't know got shot in the groin but Nazipants gets a mark he can cover with a hat.
End credits.
This was much longer than I'd like, but the whole film has to be reviewed. Otherwise people pick and choose very small sections to call it good.
It's over two hours long and being advertised as an action movie. I timed it, there's less than five minutes of action. None of the characters go threw an arc, they have goal, they get it, and they're done, they don't change. Even so they're inconsistent, unlikeable, and bland. It's not fun, no new thoughts are presented, and it's an excruciating slog of filler, repetitious conversations, stuff that goes nowhere, and stuff out of nowhere.
It fails as an action movie.
It fails as a revenge fantasy.
It fails as a spy movie.
It fails as a World War II movie.
It fails as a drama.
It fails as a satire.
It fails at everything.
.5/10 Sewage
Better than I thought, but not quite a 1.
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